Family can be a strong motivator to stop drinking. But I’m learning that this change really needs to come from within one’s self. It’s like that oxygen mask rule on a plane. Put yours on first then assist others.
My husband and I had an argument this morning. I’m sad by how hurtful he is during confrontation. He is incapable of pausing and listening in the moment. It’s like he feels backed into some corner and lashes out.
It breaks me.
This is not new. But when I drank, I couldn’t stop myself from trying to fix everything in the moment during these arguments. I felt desperate to make up, but that would just made things worse. Or, if I knew to stop and try to disengage, he’d pull me back in with razor sharp sarcasm, like, “Ya…I thought so. You have nothing to say.” Or “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Or “That never happened. Get a grip.”
But sober…truly sober and feeling strong this morning…I saw him during our argument. Really saw him in the moment. And I was crushed. He’s an amazing Dad, husband and friend. All couples argue, and I certainly play my part. But he can’t argue in any sort of healthy way. And these moments make me feel small. Dumb.
And these are the moments I would drink; and for a second this morning, I wanted to. But that pink cloud and the strength that’s been building these last 11 days pushed their way back in.
I’m subdued today because I miss my best friend. I know we’ll get back to us, but not today. Today, I’m putting on my own oxygen mask before I deal with anyone else. Onwards to Day 12.